oops! i did it again...

well i feel like a big old jerk. i went to school today and received a very warm "welcome back." my assistant director told me that everyone was asking about me, and when i went to use the copier in the counselor's office, the secretary told me she was so happy to see me and she missed me. (awww). then, i talked to the director. she did say that i had to make up the classes, but it's more or less at the other teachers' discretion/whenever they have a need. for instance if they're sick or need a day for vacation, etc... which, honestly, i am okay with, because they undoubtedly would have asked me to fill in for something like that anyway!

why does bulgaria make me such a bitter old hag sometimes? oh... did i mention that two more people from our group (a married couple) left for good? and five people from the newest group have already left. i feel the need to include this merely to let you all know that although i may seem like debbie downer from time to time, it is with reason! this junk can be rough.

now i really know i'm back

You know you're back in bulgaria when...

My counterpart calls to tell me that the director informed her that I am supposed to "make up" the classes that I missed. So basically, any class that another teacher taught for me, I have to teach one of their classes. In what world does that make sense? What about when I substituted? I don't see any of those teachers taking MY classes. The bs that is bulgaria continues.

Only about 160 days to go....

.....

so, where to start? first things first, my grandfather passed away last week. it's still so surreal to me. death is something i've never been comfortable with... like, anxiety attack uncomfortable... and it is literally hard for me to understand. i just can't wrap my head around the fact that i'll never see him again. i won't go on and on about it, because it will only make me upset. i'll just say that he was truly the best grandfather ever and i'm so lucky to have spent the time with him that i did.

i went home for a week. it was bittersweet. obviously, the reason for my return was sad and unexpected, but i was so happy to be with friends and family. i really loved being back in the states. i didn't get to see chad while i was home, which was a total bummer. even though i wasn't expecting to see him, part of me was hoping! i did see lindsey (of course). again, bittersweet. it's so funny how much we compliment each other as friends... and it never ceases to amaze me that no matter how long we go without talking, we can just reconnect and click, like no time elapsed at all! maybe that's a tad cheesy, but what can i say, being in bulgaria makes me sentimental. i did a bunch of shopping while i was home, and brought back all the clothes i wanted. best of all, i went to several of my favorite restaurants. basically, it was perfect! sometimes it was hard to remember that i came home for something sad, because i was just so happy to be there.

now, i'm back in bulgaria. it feels the same: normal and average. last night though, i spent the night in sofia with shantay and amanda. it was officially the best night i have had in bulgaria so far. we went to an indian restaurant with some other volunteers (one volunteer had a birthday and others came to hang out). it was delicious! after dinner, we went to some sketchy bar at a hostel. we were only there for one drink though. after that, the other volunteers left and it was just me, amanda, and shantay. we went to a karaoke bar.... and get this, we all sang!! normally, i would rather die, but everyone in the place was singing along and the sound system wasn't that great, so you could barely hear the people who were actually supposed to be singing. and finally, we went to a club in the "student area" of the city. we danced until the wee hours of the morning. it was almost like being back in downtown athens. (almost).

well, i'm off to bed. one more day to lounge and then back to the daily grind.

victory is mine!

"i don't care if monday's blue.
tuesday's gray and wednesday too.
thursday i don't care about you.
it's friday, i'm in love.

monday you can fall apart.
tuesday, wednesday break my heart.
oh thursday doesn't even start.
it's friday, i'm in love.

i don't care if monday's black.
tuesday, wednesday heart attack.
thursday never looking back.
it's friday, i'm in love."

a wonderful, glorious thing happened today. first of all, i went through an entire week without having a nervous breakdown! now while this may seem slightly crazy to some, it is an enormous accomplishment. i'm either getting a thicker skin or creating my own little niche. maybe a combination of the two.

secondly, i had a MAJOR language breakthrough. a little background info: yesterday, i somehow got a virus on my computer. at first i was really upset. i mean, my computer is my life right now! plus, it was just really annoying because this little "antivirus" bubble (in actuality a virus masquerading as an antivirus) kept popping up literally every other minute. anyhow, i took it to a computer repair place here in town. (my tutor showed me where it was when i was having trouble with my microphone and they fixed it in about five minutes --and for free-- so i was confident they would have no trouble). basically, they were able to fix the computer with no problem (yay!), but it took a looooot longer than expected. so, after walking around aimlessly for three hours (they kept telling me, "a little longer, a little longer"... which was fine. i didn't mind waiting. i just wanted it fixed. and i had nothing better to do).

anyhow, three hours later, after i browsed every shop in town, i finally just decided to wait at the computer place. i asked how much longer, but the guy replied so fast that i didn't catch one word. so i asked him to please repeat a little slower, because i don't speak much bulgarian. well this intrigued the second gentleman working there, so he asked me what my native language was. i told him english, and mentioned that i was teaching english at the high school PMG. well, wouldn't you know, his daughter goes there. and she takes english! she is in 12th grade though, and i'm only teaching 8th and 9th... but after that, he was mr. chatty. in a good way though. we talked about all sorts of random things. honestly, he did the majority of the talking, but i understood everything he said!! (well about 90%). now, the clincher is not that i understood so much (although that was rather extraordinary), but that we talked for ONE HOUR! 60 whole minutes. i don't even talk to my tutor that much during our lessons. usually i can't understand that much and i just zone out after a while. it was such a confidence booster. and after my computer was fixed, they only charged me five leva!! ($3.50 in american currency, to put it in perspective). it was nice to walk away with a healthy computer and a renewed sense of self.

and the last delightful little tidbit. it was brought to my attention that one of my students unknowingly took a picture of me during class. how you may ask? a lovely little gadget we call the camera phone. well, at first i was embarassed... then a little worried.... were they using it to throw darts at? was it a forum to complain about me? come to find out, it was none of these things. in fact, all the students who did comment on this picture of me had nothing but nice things to say! one of the students (dare i say my favorite student) from my summer class translated everything for me. the comments consisted of "she's so cool," "she's so pretty," and "best teacher ever." which reminds me... i need to figure out exactly who said what... they're gettin A's! haha. but seriously, it was just further validation to know that i'm not completely wasting my time after all. even if they hate school... i'm connecting with them on some level. and that's the first step.

tomorrow i travel to sofia with shauntay. we are maybe going bowling. (bowling in bulgaria-- so curious to see if it's the same as in america). maybe going to a bar/club. i'm sure it will be a good time. hanging with her is always fun and refreshing.

missing everyone back home but excited for things to come. namely halloween and london! love ya'll. ciao for now!

rock the vote

something a little different this time around. today i write not about bulgaria, but about politics instead. a heated subject indeed, but after reading yet another pretentious blog about voting and politics, i can't bite my tounge any longer! every day my "friends" on facebook and myspace write some pompous little blurb about the candidates or the upcoming election. the sad thing is that it's always some low blow... pretty much never about the issues.

and i guess i'm tired of everyone ripping me to shreds for watching fox news. or being conservative. or things of that nature. whatever happened to agreeing to disagree? can't we respect each other's opinions? and even if the channels i watch are biased, don't you think yours are too?? has there ever been such a thing as an unbiased media or talkshow? be honest people. and here i feel as if i must defend fox news. even if most of the people working there are probably conservative, they always have someone representing both sides.... be it democrat and republican commentators, a defense lawyer and the prosector, etc. i usually just try to avoid the subject of politics altogether, because i know people who don't agree with me will undoubtedly "think less of me".... even though they ironically consider themselves "open-minded."

lastly, i am sooooo over celebrities! the majority of them don't even know what they are talking about, they simply go along with whatever is "in." case in point: lindsay lohan. now i love mean girls as much as the next person... hell, i even like a few of her songs. but lindsay, please shut up. her recent blog on myspace (which will undoubtedly influence millions of young girls) was bashing sarah palin. the end was especially mature when she quoted pamela anderson, saying "sarah palin can suck it." that's lovely. the majority of her blog was a rant against palin for being against gay marriage. i guess lindsay is now the self-proclaimed voice of the gay community since she's been a lesbian for all of ten minutes. and who knows how long that will last. then, their's bill maher. i don't think i've ever heard a more elitist, arrogant man in my life. he recently appeared on jon stewart's show to talk about his new movie, religulous. maher thinks palin is "scary," because "she actually believes what she says she believes in." jon stewart made the arguement, to be fair, that obama is a very religious person also. bill maher followed that statement with, "i hope he's lieing. i hope he's just saying what the people want to hear." now these quotes are practically vebatim. so let me get this straight bill.... you hope obama is lieing? you hope he's just saying what people want to hear? i mean, if he lies about that... how can i believe anything he says? what about the rest of his platform? is that just what people want to hear too? and sarah palin..... she's bad for actually being true to her principles? bill maher, you sir, are an idiot.

why is it that the loudest people are the most ignorant? i'm just ready for the election to be over so i don't have to hear anyone else's unsolicited thoughts. guess what facebook/myspace friends... nobody cares. i will thank these ridiculous people for one thing though... inspiring me to cast my absentee ballot. i know georgia will definatey be a red state, but i should always do my patriotic duty. i'll let my voice be heard through action at the polls... not through various propoganda that no one even asked for in the first place.

double trouble

today i recieved a lecture about how to conduct my class from another teacher. apparently, a student told her the kids in the class were being loud and i can't control them. well, they were right about one thing, i can't control them! what am i supposed to say? the situation reminds me of the classic comedy "team america: world police." remember the part where the UN official was talking to kim jong il? and the UN guy tells him he has to allow other officials to view his headquarters (or something of that nature). and kim jong il asks what will happen if he doesn't allow this. to which the UN official replies, "well..... we will be very, very angry. and then we will write a letter telling you how angry we are."

that's exactly what discipline in bulgaria is.

these kids have been raised (in both the school system AND at home) to behave like little monsters. they do whatever the want, whenever they want and no one is going to tell them otherwise. they're like the kids from "my super sweet sixteen" without the glitz and glamour. and now, i am supposed to change all that when i see these kids for 40 minutes per week. riiiiiiight.

raising my voice doesn't help. they don't care about a weak ass note in the dnevnic (*attendence book which also serves as a place to document bad behavior). and half of them don't really care about their grades either.

TGIF. also, my slingbox is not starting. it says i don't have an internet connection... but seeing as how i am online and writing this blog, clearly i do. oh well. gilmore girls season 3 it is.

*sigh*school. and goodbyes.

i just thought it was worth noting that today one of my colleagues... an english teacher, mind you... was wearing a shirt that said "bitches love me." nice.

then, another one of my colleagues wanted me to grade papers the class had written... but if it was a bad grade, not to write it in the gradebook. only give marks to the kids who got a 5 or 6 (meaning an A or B).

oh bulgaria....

on a different note, i said goodbye to harriet last night. quite abruptly, she decided to leave bulgaria for good. she was planning on staying here for a years time, but for many reasons decided to return home and continue her work with the bugarian organization from london (i.e. organize fundraising, raise awareness, recruit future volunteer groups, etc.). needess to say, it was sad to see her go. it's been painfully hard to make friends here, and it was nice to have an english speaker around (not to mention someone who is just a warm person overall). she was very confident in her decision though, and seemed really happy when discussing future plans upon her return home. on the plus side, i told her she is now my official london tour guide come december.

after having my own doubts (which seem to grow stronger every time i have a bad day) about how long i'll last, i wonder if i would ever be so sure about "abandoning ship." i think not. but at the same time i wonder how much of my own happiness i'm willing to sacrifice because of my pride. for now i'm ok, but it feels like my spirit is weakening and i just hope i find something soon with which to anchor myself here.

on the plus side, one of the teachers at my school talked to me for the first time today. i see her everyday, but aside from the obligatory "nod" that affirms i am in fact not invisible, she never says anything to me. today she simply asked me a few questions about myself, which at this point are quite easy for me to answer in bulgarian. the conversation only lasted about 5 minutes, but i felt as thought it was a small victory. one volunteer's opinion was that we should not be reduced to finding small victories in each day. but i find that without them, i'm lost.

and lastly, on a much lighter note (because i hate ending every blog with these depressing thoughts), the bulldogs were defeated by the unworthy crimson tide. yes, i said unworthy. i know that alabama played an amazing first half, i'm just bitter. however, they are an SEC west team (thankfully), which gives the possibility of a rematch at the ga dome.... and the boys will be out for blood. first we just have to knock off tennessee, florida, auburn, and lsu. cake.