changes

So, thus far, life hasn't exactly been a picnic, but it's been good. I am really happy with my site placement, and I think of all the places I could have been... Kyustendil is at the top of the charts. But... there's always a but... it's already starting to get a little harder than I anticipated. The job itself isn't that hard, in fact, it's almost ridiculously easy. Right now I am teaching what is basically summer school, a class that kids are forced to go to early in the morning on their summer vacation, and the students are great. Sometimes a little unfocused, but they always try, participate, and they have very sweet demeanors.

I just really miss my family and friends. I thought I wanted this big adventure, and it's not that I don't.... I just wish I had the people I cared about here with me to share it. Which comes as a surprise to me. I usually consider myself a pretty independent person. Two years is just starting to seem like a really long time. Then today my microphone broke, or maybe my computer broke, I'm not really sure just yet. I thought it was the mic so I bought a new headset (for a grand total now of 45 precious leva on freaking headsets), and it's still not working. Skype is my outlet to everyone back home, thus rendering the mic imperative. And of course there is always email, but it's not the same. It just seems like it's always something. And it's not even the fact that I've encountered these millions of small problems, it's the fact that I am inept at problem solving here. My survival Bulgarian is oftentimes not good enough to do things on my own, so I usually have to rely on my counterpart (the most clueless woman I've ever met in my life) or someone else who speaks english, and they will just put it off and put it off, because it's not their problem. There is just no sense of urgency here and it drives me crazy! And it's not something that you can change overnight... or maybe that you can ever change. It's just a cultural thing.

The other problem is that I'm just kind of confused as to why I'm here. I mean, the kids I work with are brilliant. And people keep telling me that the schools need native speakers like me to teach the children (because English is such an advantage in a very competitive job market), but the kids I have worked with are amazing. Even the "poor students" in my summer school class can have a regular conversation with me. So, it's kind of like... do they really need me? They've been studying all these years without a teacher like me and they're doing great! Half of the students are better than the teachers. I tried to explain all this to my mom, but it didn't seem like she really understood (no offense). And I would hope that I would bring fresh ideas and what not to the school, but honestly, I could do that anywhere. When you think about your teachers in the past, how many teachers does one remember as life-changing? One? MAYBE two? Every place needs motivated teachers. I guess I'm just starting to think that maybe I just should have just taken the summer to travel, and then come back and done grad school instead of devoting two years of my life. That sounds mean, but I can't help it. That's how the Peace Corps is! It's so exhausting. One minute I'm super gung-ho about changing the world, and the next my microphone breaks and I have a melt-down. It's this crazy roller-coaster of emotions. Quite draining, really.

Plus, I always figured I would be this totally different person afterwards. I don't think I will change at all. Which actually, is maybe a good thing. I think my service here will just make me that much more sure of myself. All my fellow volunteers have changed their "interests" on their facebook/myspace profiles. Half of it is to be all cutesy, but i'm sure there is some truth in it. I thought about updating mine, when I realized... there is nothing to update. My interests read: adam brody, history, pinot grigio, summertime, etc. And I still think Adam Brody (of the o.c.) is my soulmate (unbeknowst to him of course). History is still my favorite subject. Pinot grigio will always bring a smile to my face. And summertime will forever be my favorite season, with beaches and trips to West Palm.

And those are a few of my favorite things (haha, i'm so clever). Actually, writing about it just made me feel better. Which is astounding, because usually when I think about all this, I get really homesick. I'm cured!

Totally random, but to end on a positive note. (it's important to end on a positive note) I started piano lessons. I have had two lessons to date. My teacher thinks I'm a natural. Which, maybe I am.... or maybe it is due in part to the fact that while I am no expert on music, I have a little background knowledge. I did play viola in middle school, and I took guitar lessons for a year in college. I didn't have the heart to tell her though. I just let her think that she was a great teacher, and I, an excellent student. It's more fun that way. I really, really like it though. And now I have a key to the music room so I can go whenever I want. I might even buy a keyboard (if I can find one).

So, don't worry about me. I'll be just fine. It's just easy to get emotional when you have so much alone time and time to just think, think, think. By the way, I am adding a video to this post. One is of me and one is of my apartment. I recorded the one of me before I went on this rant... :)