expectations

expect: 1. to consider reasonable, due, or necessary, 2. to anticipate or look forward to, 3. to consider probable or certain.

throughout pre-service training and many times since i have actually started teaching, we talk about "expectations," and "managing expectations." i think one of the main reasons i have been so frustrated and defeated as a teacher is because of inflated expectations. its funny because during training, i specifically remember having a conversation in which i declared, rather smugly now that i think back on it, that i had no expectations. while other people were starting to crack and show weakness during only the second month in-country... i remember thinking, they'll never make it! we're not even under pressure yet!

and now, here i am. struggling to get by week to week. looking so forward to each and every moment away from class it's a wonder i've been able to drag myself out of bed at all. which brings me back to my point: expectations. i have come to realize, that maybe when i first left georgia in my post-collegiate idealistic phase, i really did have expectations. maybe i just never really reflected on them. or perhaps i simply thought that they didn't mean much, because i was open to anything.

the truth is... i guess i really did believe that i was going to jazz up the classrooms and wow the students. i thought the kids would be overjoyed to work with an american teacher. and even if the students were bad, i was honestly thinking i could easily handle it. i was going to walk into that school, "dangerous minds" style, and michelle pfeiffer it up.

now i'm realizing that's it not quite as easy as the movies would like to make it look. and again, this kind of makes me laugh, because when people talk about "world peace" and other lofty ideas, they make it sound like cake. and i always used to think, "what are you talking about?? if it was that easy, we'd all be holding hands around a campfire singing kum bay ya." so why, when i have been so skeptical about change... or at least the ease in which change is possible.... why on earth did i think it would be so easy for me? this is years and years of bad habits and corruption we're trying to work through. and it's not surprising how close-minded people are. i mean, that's all they know. if you walked up to someone in the taliban, and said, hey guy... blowing people up is just not cool. let me show you why. even if that person took the time to listen to your argument (which would be a feat in and of itself), do you think they're just going to throw down their weapons because they've seen the light?! i'm gonna go out on a limb here and say, NO.

the point being, i am now having to face the fact that i most certainly did have expectations, and now i am forced to manage them. i am constantly having to redefine "success." i realize that in fact, i cannot touch the heart of each and every child. instead i have to re-evaluate my classes and decided who is worth going the extra mile for and who is, sad to say, a lost cause at this point, because i just don't have enough time with the students to really give some of them the attention they need and i'm losing the good ones in the process.

so maybe the students won't walk away from every period enlightened and eager to use their new found knowledge. maybe we'll just practice "jingle bell rock." and maybe that doesn't make me a bad teacher after all... just working within the system, one step (albeit painfully slow) at time.