bittersweet symphony

so i was going to wait to write this blog until i got home... but i'm sitting here at the peace corps office with absolutely nothing to do and a lot on my mind. as you all know (or will know after you read this) i have been "administratively separated" from the peace corps. i traveled to istanbul without permission for the weekend and was caught. now that i think about it... i should have known i was going to get caught... i'm pretty much the worst liar/criminal in history. i remember the days in high school when "you're grounded" was a phrase well known to me. whether it was sneaking out, drinking, or whatever underhanded thing i tried to do... i always got busted!

with that being said, i knew the potential consequences of my actions, and yet i decided to go to istanbul anyway. (*side note: the way they counted my vaction days was whack). now i can't exactly say that i regret going-- i had a freaking fantastic time-- but i can't say that i'm especially pleased with the outcome. of course, i wasn't planning on getting caught. i didn't want to go home in the middle of the year like a punk. but truth be told, when i initially found out i was being sent home... i was almost a little relieved. i had been seriously thinking about whether i could handle teaching some of these kids for another year and a half, and i had been contemplating leaving this summer. so at first, i almost felt okay, because peace corps essentially made the decision for me.

the relief quickly subsided when i started having to say goodbye. it was a lot harder than i thought it would be. the reaction of various friends, colleauges, and students was so overwhelmingly touching that for the first time ever, i actually felt like bulgaria was home. my students started a petition for me to stay and some of them actually called the peace corps office! i mean, i know that some of kids are cool with me... but i've said it before and i'll say it again, you truly never know who you are impacting or how much you are affecting them. when i went to the school on tuesday, my assistant director started crying, then my counterpart started crying, and then even some of the kids started crying.... it was very emotional. and i guess i just wasn't expecting it. again, not that i thought people would just throw up a peace sign and walk away... but i wasn't expecting such a warm, genuine, tearful farewell either.

so now i'm kind of caught in between..... between feeling guilty for leaving mid-year and sad about leaving people behind and being excited to embrace everything wonderful that is America. i'm lucky to have such great, supportive friends back home. they don't really care what the reason for me coming home is... they're just super pumped i'll be back! but like i told alex... it's so very bittersweet.

it's funny because now that the pressure is off, i look back and think 10 months wasn't so long.... and the students weren't so bad. of course just last week i was cursing the entire student body for their terrible behavior and wondering how on earth i was going to get through february and march with absolutely no break. i mention this because i hope it is slightly inspirational to the other volunteers. when you finish your service, you'll know that some days you barely survived, but you'll forget that feeling of exasperation. i have often contemplated how it is that RPCV's come back all chipper and willing to share their "fantastic" experiences. now i know. after it's all said and done, you tend to forget the bad parts and focus on the accomplishments.

as a matter of fact, there are actually some things i will miss about bulgaria.
1. shantay, amanda, and alex. they are surely friends for life and will be at my wedding. (then maybe i'll make believers out of them that weddings are fun and true love exists!)
2. lazy sundays and having so much free time
3. the good, sweet students
4. sofia and sugar
5. not really having to worry about what i looked like on a daily basis b/c there was no one to impress
6. joking in bulgarian... i can't tell anyone back home "stiga be."
7. getting packages and snail mail. people underestimate the power of a good letter.
8. how cheap everything is
9. having europe at the tip of my fingers

things i will not miss.
1. FLEAS
2. the neverending pile of dirty dishes to be handwashed
3. hanging my clothes out to dry
4. let's just say modern appliances in general
5. the bad, obnoxious students
6. not knowing what's going on half the time and language barriers
7. public transportation and having my schedule dictated by said transportation
8. the general lack of options... clothes, food, entertainment, etc.
9. the customer service and overall lack of politeness
10. being alone so much

i'll probably post a few follow up blogs about returning home and what's going on, and then that will be the end of my blog experiment. i wish all the other volunteers the best of luck and success this year and the next.
xo